[I am still gathering my thoughts on this matter, and so comments from Christian readers is welcome. Ideally, I should only publish this when I’m completely comfortable with what I have written, but I think I’ll publish anyway as these thoughts may help others crystallise their own thinking; I am sure I am not the only one who has noticed these things.]
Many of the trends in Christian practice come as a reaction to and correction of past errors. The predicament that we find ourselves in, with so many single people in the church, is not a good thing and is, I strongly believe, the influence of contemporary secular thinking. We need to go back to the scriptures to regain our bearings, and this could involve a good measure of unlearning.
It was, for millennia, assumed that the norm for men and women was to be married; people married usually somewhere between the ages of 18 and 30. This is not necessarily a wrong assumption, as it is the mandate given to us after creation, to be fruitful and multiply. It was part of our basic design; it is interesting how the Lord profusely wove gospel-signifying themes into the very fabric of our lives, namely marriage and parenting. Marriage was an important aspect of being human—universally—and different cultures had different ways of finding the right matches, each method with its pros and cons.
Christians in all cultures found ways to find their matches despite the pitfalls. In the West, purity before marriage was a serious concern and in the East, careless attitudes towards the need for compatibility between the boy and girl, rather than merely between the families, was an issue. But believers were greatly helped by the scriptures to overcome these issues. The scriptures showed the brethren how they ought to conduct themselves in purity, and as for compatibility, the word of God revealed implicitly and explicitly what one should look for in the spouse. It showed that the compatibility between the boy and the girl was vital as from it was to grow a loving relationship that would mirror that of Christ with His church. And this compatibility had to obviously be Christ-centric—to do with faith and love for the Saviour.
Whether in the West or in the East, someone had to do the seeking, usually the man and/or the man’s family, and this selection process had to be according to the will of God as shown in the scriptures. The man needed to look for the beauty of the inner spirit rather than for outward beauty. He needed to prize godliness and a gentle spirit very highly. The woman needed to look for godliness too and for a man who had his eyes fixed on Jesus. It was not wrong to want outward things and look for compatibility in education, status, background, intelligence, and beauty. But obviously, God did not intend for these to be of very great importance or He would not have created people who do not exactly look like models, for example. The Bible also frowns on discrimination based on status and wealth. So Christians needed to be very careful when allowing these matters to influence their search.
Like in a game of musical chairs, some men and women would get left out of marriage. Or they may lose a spouse under tragic circumstances to death or other kinds of separation. The Bible is clear that single people are not of less value. Slave or free, single or married, Christ and His grace is the same for all. But slave is not as good as free and singleness is not necessarily as ideal as marriage. We are created to need help and to help. We are also created to raise another generation in godliness. If someone is left single, in spite of their willingness, then the Lord, the God of the widow and the fatherless, will be their stay, and His grace is sufficient. The Bible also tells us that some have been given the gift of singleness to use for greater service in the kingdom. That subject is beyond the purview of what I am writing here.
I said earlier that for millennia marriage was thought to be the norm. What changed? I believe that in the last 50 years, advertising and commercialisation has made society very materialistic. Today selfishness is a virtue and sensuality reigns. Excessive spending on luxuries and travel is commonplace. Sadly much of this has crept into the church. Our priorities in godly living have gone awry. The eagerness to establish godly homes, a home with a godly man at the helm with a godly wife, both together raising children in the fear and admonition of the Lord, is absent. In its place youth of today have careers, travel plans, and real estate dreams. How can a young Christian man in this state even know to disregard the girls who dress to attract and search for heart beauty? This, in my opinion, is why many girls in the church have been left waiting, many of them for good. This could go both ways, for in some instances, the boys in the church have not been accepted by the girls for superficial reasons, in spite of wholeheartedly following after the Lord.
In reaction to this phenomenon of the growing number of singles, much has been written in recent times to encourage singles. Rightly so, for to those godly young women and men who have been left out in this way, the Lord is their portion and He is able to make it up to them. Sensitivity for singles, is essential and much work is still needed on this front.
However, I fear that we are now realising another danger, which is the normalising of singlesness. When the world normalises singleness, it does so against the backdrop of Tinder and with no reference to sexual purity. The singleness that has become the new normal inside the church is naturally influenced and strengthened by its worldly counterpart.
Here are some other reasons why this alarms me:
** Surely it is not good for a man to be alone. Where have we heard that before! Moreover, the qualifications, which all men ought to aspire for, for elders and deacons are that they be one-woman men. But on the other hand, the sexually-normal young men, who are single, are open to a million temptations. It was always so, but even more so today with the culture and technology being what they are, with so many sinful options including catalogued porn theirs for the taking at the click of the mouse, I am afraid for the souls of our young men, very afraid.
** I do not think that the God who through His word has laid out several good rules for how women ought to conduct themselves in the home and in the church would say to a 25-year old young woman: “You are free to leave the safety of your parents’ home and flat out with others or even live on your own. You may do what you want, when you want, however you want. Rules are only for your mother; you are free” I very much doubt that the single women who Paul speaks of lived autonomously like single women today. I am very afraid for the safety and the souls of our young women.
** The change in the church’s demographic brings with it new needs with new dangers and the necessity for new safeguards. This would impact pastoral visits, pastoral counseling, avenues of ministry, and so on.
Singleness for Christian men and women does not seem wise as a norm, both in terms of practical living—for doing life—as well as in terms of the safety of their souls. One needs to be endowed with a special gift to be able to navigate these waters successfully.
I think Christian young men need to be educated to look for godliness in girls, when choosing a spouse, while Christian girls need to resist worldly attitudes and affectations and seek God’s will in this matter. I think pastors and men and women in the church need to help and assist, at least till the singleness malady persists, in encouraging young people to drop their worldly, and often unrealistic, expectations and look forward to finding godly spouses with whom to establish Jesus-reflecting homes, taking their eyes off themselves and fixing their gaze on Him.
And for any godly single Christian reading this, take courage, for our God specialises in things thought impossible. His grace is sufficient even for you. My post is not to alarm you but to stir up those who may have not noticed the seriousness of the situation.
Courage to tremble 
You write that singleness in church “is not a good thing.” Why not? Didn’t Paul say that in 1 Corinthians 7? Didn’t Jesus say that some people were able to accept singleness, even if not everyone was able to?
Some people are single by choice. Both Jesus and Paul affirmed that. Like you say, some singles are single due to circumstance, not by choice. Maybe they’re widowed, or divorced. Maybe they’ve never had any luck with dating. Maybe the opposite sex ignores them. These things aren’t always choices.
Also, I’ve read that there’s more Christian girls in the world than there are guys. If that’s broadly accurate, it means not every girl will find a marriage partner. Is that part of God’s Master Plan, or one of many bad parts of a fallen world?
Some Christians do earnestly desire a marriage partner. But, for lots of different reasons, their dreams never come true. Our world is like that, unfortunately. It’s not always their fault. It’s not necessarily because we’re “normalizing” it. Life just sucks sometimes.
Yes, marriage is a cultural norm, or at least it was for a very long time. But, as Christians, we’re not bound by cultural norms. Nor does God, or Jesus, or Paul, require any of us to marry.
You also say that Paul probably didn’t mean for women to live single and on their own? What do you mean? Didn’t Paul say in 1 Corinthians 7 that, in his opinion, it might be better for some single women to remain single?
You also say that singleness requires a special gift. Well, maybe the singles you see actually have that sort of gift, if they never desire to date or marry.
You also mention seeking God’s will when it comes to marrying. The Bible allows us to marry. It also allows us to stay single. God doesn’t make life decisions for us. And we don’t always have a way of knowing God’s will when it comes to specific situations, like deciding whether or not to marry. Personally, I’d like to marry, but God has never told me whether to pursue that or whether to stay single. Maybe God leaves the choice up to us
In ancient times (for a very long time in human history, actually) arranged marriages were the norm. The practice of dating is a fairly recent phenomenon.
Marriage in biblical and ancient times is so different from what it is now. In the modern Western dating world, you’re basically on your own. Your parents aren’t matchmaking for you, like they did in biblical times, are they? I doubt people talked as much about “soulmates” and “The One” back then. Getting married was basically a family duty, and your spouse was, in some way or other, selected for you. In that sense, it was pretty easy to avoid singleness. In the modern world, not so much.
Also, as Christians, we’re not required to get married. And, at the same time, just because you’re a Christian and you desire marriage, doesn’t mean we’re guaranteed to have that dream come true. God doesn’t make us any promises about romantic love, or marriage, or anything worldly, really.
Sure, singleness might be “normalized.” But if someone genuinely wants singleness, and genuinely lacks the desire for a mate, what of it? Are they doing something wrong? Should they force themselves to want marriage?
I’m sure many Christians, and young Christians do desire godly relationships and marriages. But for some singles, these never work out. Sure, maybe that’s because of “God’s plan.” Maybe it’s just bad luck in other cases. It’s a bad world we live in, where life doesn’t always go our way, and our dreams don’t always come true.
People can’t always control these things.
Christian subculture needs a new word for “single.” There are a number of us who stay pure even after long years of not marrying. A lot of Christian women of my generation got left behind when a disproportionate number of Gen X men dropped out of church.
Find a husband in high school, youth group, service camp, or Bible college. Or resign yourself to spinsterhood. And looks mattered greatly. It makes sense why so many young men at a college encouraging marriage with 70% females would choose those who most closely resembled runway models or movie stars. At 51 it still hurts to remember.
Maybe Christians should try to help young people who want marriage to find mates. Nobody did anything to help me when I was looking. Just offered me banal platitudes and “Don’t worry. Your time will come.”
At 51 I am still single and don’t want to marry this late. And it irritates me when sentimental Christians say I should. God never forces anyone to marry someone horrible they actively dislike against their will.
Help lonely young people with lives ahead of them who can raise families to find each other.
Well, the way people have sought marriage has marriage has definitely changed. For millenia, parents and families were much more involved in finding mates for their children. These days, however, dating is seen as an “adventure” that’s supposed to be “fun,” rather than a more formal obligation. People sure aren’t betrothed to the children of other parents when we’re born, for instance.Those days are over, at least in the West.
Personally, I’m not sure young Christians are “less eager” than past generations to marry and build families, or that we;ve “normalized” singleness. In my experience, many, and perhaps most, young Christians (such as myself) have wanted a romantic partner pretty badly. So what do we say to them?
As you say, much as has been written to these singles. One of the things we’ve told is that there’s some sort of “soulmate” out there for them and that God plays a crucial role in uniting Christian singles into couples. We often tell young singles to “be patient,” and not “rush” into relationships, and assure them that God has some sort of soulmate out there for them, and that we don’t have to worry, because God will arrange everything for us. You won’t find that promise in the Bible, but plenty of people assure young people that this is the case. This might be the reason why more young Christians delay marriage. “If God’s in charge of everything, and he has some sort of perfect partner handpicked for me in advance, well, what’s the rush?” might be the thought process. Maybe that’s just what you get when we keep “encouraging” lonely singles with platitudes about “The One” and “Waiting on God’s timing.”
Does the church “normalize” singleness? Maybe. But the Bible doesn’t say there’s anything wrong with being single. It also doesn’t promise marriage to Christians who want it.
I know you said that you don’t intend to cover the “gift of singleness” in this article, but it might be important. In Matthew, Jesus clearly states that some people won’t get married (19:10-12) The Bible has good things to say about both marriage and singleness. When Paul talks about this (1 Corinthians 7), he writes that, if you’re single and struggle to control sexual desires, you should try to get married. In this case, the Bible encourages marriage. It does not, however, promise that it’ll work out for you if you do decide to pursue it. He does say that not everyone has the gift of singleness. But I’m sure that there’s many who lack this gift who, despite everything, still don’t find mates. There’s also married Christians who suddenly find themselves single due to freak accidents and unspeakable tragedies.This all sounds cruel and messed up, but we live in a cruel and messed-up world. It’s not necessarily God’s “plan” or God’s “fault.” It’s just a harsh world we live in. Paul himself cautioned singles about marriage “because of the present crisis.” If a Christian is single again because their spouse suddenly died in a freak accident, is that because God wanted to “bless” them with singleness again because of how amazing and wonderful it is? I doubt it. It’s just a bad world we live in.
You also write that “one needs to be endowed with a special gift to be able to navigate these waters [singleness] successfully.” I don’t know about that. There’s lots of debate about what Paul means by “gift of singleness,” since Paul himself doesn’t really explain it in detail. I think the “gift of singleness” is simply the state of being single, which singles can take advantage of in ways that married people can’t. I think the gift of singleness is simply the state of being single. A lot of people will say that the “gift of singleness” means a special capacity to cope with it. In this view, the gift is basically a superpower. Like all superpowers, we also assume that the gift is rare and unusual. Think about this, though: if you need a supernatural ability to be able to cope with singleness, well, then singleness must be objectively horrible. In this version, it’s like the “gift” of anesthesia during a surgery. “Singleness has nothing good going for it, so you need a special gift to be able to survive it,” basically. I used to think along those lines, and many people still do. From my reading of Scripture, when Paul talks about “gifts,” he seems to be referring to an ability God gives to build other people up, not to some state of being where you’re free of worry, stress, pain, difficulty, loneliness, etc.
Also, to be able to marry these days, you need a decent job and be making decent money. Sometimes, these things require college degrees, which aren’t affordable for many Americans. You also need to be able to afford a place to live, and afford the means to raise children, potentially. These things aren’t always easy to obtain in the modern-day economy, especially in America. Yet another understandable reason young Christians decide avoid or delay marriage, even when it’s something they want pretty badly.
Thank you for your valuable thoughts.
Dear Athai, I am afraid I might be taking things out of context here (every writer’s fear) and not fully understanding the thought process behind what you’ve shared here, and if either is true, I apologize and you can safely ignore this response.
However, I write as a family member who is deeply concerned that my nephew and niece (K’s children) would see my singleness as a “malady.” I have never elevated or denigrated my marital status in my conversations with them but have always reminded them both that my ultimate purpose in life (and theirs) is to honor God in everything we do and say. I have also been careful not to validate my status by equating myself with Christ or Paul in that regard because it will only be a comparison for convenience and fall short in every other way. Never do I want them to think that His grace is sufficient “even” for me but that my and their eligibility for grace comes from the Cross and not our marital status. I pray everyday for a god-fearing spouse for them but my most urgent prayer is for them to be rooted and grounded in Him first before they are able to stand with the one who comes along, so when one falls the other can lift them up. While this is an important conversation and will help many in the Church, this sadly continues to be an unbalanced conversation both here in the Christian blogosphere and elsewhere. 🙏🏽
Anita, thank you for taking the trouble to write, and that too with so much grace. I agree with everything that you have written, and I think you have understood my use of the term “singleness malady” differently from the way intended.
I do not mean that singleness per se is a malady but the normalization of singleness, the lack of “match making,” the shallowness of Christian boys who are not able to recognise inner beauty in girls, and the superficiality of Christian girls who are looking for the wrong things, and other worldly influences that have prevented godly men and women from marrying. It is this whole package that I refer to as a “malady.”
So my concern is with the trend. Of individuals like you and my daughter Prisy, I have no concerns. Everyone has to follow His providential leading, and He uses different means including “the current singleness malady” to make some of His children remain single for Him. Like you say, it is neither honourable nor dishonourable to be single. What matters is our standing in Him and we must serve Him well wherever He puts us.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts on singleness and marriage.
I think I understand your concerns for young Christians who are possibly not prepared to make sacrifices to step into the blessing that is marriage, with regards to healthy relationships and healthy sexuality. It is indeed a design of God for our good.
Though I wonder if the Bible supports the ideas of marriage being “the norm” or more “ideal” than singleness.
Yes God said it is not good for man to be alone, and in that setting He decided that marriage for Adam was the best answer.
But Jesus said later than there will be no marriage in heaven.
And Paul speaks of the advantages of singleness to live a life of serving, not just a gift for a few.
The article states that singles are not opting for less or second class, but some of the other statements in the article imply otherwise.. single people are not “left single” or in a “less ideal” situation, and needing to “hope for more” that one day they will find a partner.
My single situation has force me to reconsider my idolizing of marriage and where I find my identity. Christians are equally being drawn into secular views of marriage…
either a) taking it too lightly or b) idolising it as the cure for all their longings, and putting too much pressure on their spouses, who were never meant to make them happy.
It is not good for people to be alone as God said, and thanks to Him we can have healthy relationship networks that don’t revolve around marriage, as welearn that Jesus is our ultimate partner in Life.
I really do not agree with the assumption that the Biblical norm is to marry. You seem to forget that both Jesus (the perfect model for us all) and Paul were single. Paul even went so far as to say that being single was better! (Obviously not for selfish reasons.)
Well said, dear sister!